Why I Didn't Finish Camp NaNoWriMo

        I've been trying to think of what to post, and then I got an email reminding me to register for Camp NaNoWriMo. Which reminded me of how catastrophically I failed last year. Voila, blog post!
      April last year was a low point for me. I was having frequent anxiety attacks and also struggling with my depression. Even so, I decided to try Camp NaNoWriMo. And, being silly and more than a little idealistic, I set my word count goal for 50,000. Everything went well enough at first, but within a week, I was behind. I was too anxious to write during most of the time I could have. I was too exhausted at night to catch up. So I fell further and further behind. And, come the end of the month, I was only at about 20,000 words.
      And I'm okay with that, for a few reasons.
      The first is that it's a heck of a lot more than I would've written had I not tried. I had a good beginning. I'd done my best. I probably technically could have written the other 30,000, but I would have been majorly stressed, possibly panicked, and I wouldn't have taken that time to take care of myself.
      That's the second. I needed to take care of myself, first. I wouldn't have had any fun writing. I wouldn't have done anything but stress myself out. Instead of writing, I spent time researching anxiety, I spent one night a week in therapy learning to manage anxiety, and I let my writing go for a bit, because it was not helping me.
       Writing is supposed to be fun. A pain in the butt and the head and the heart, but overall worth it. And that's my third point. It was not worth it last April. I needed a break for my mental health. And that's okay.
       I'm trying again this year, this time with an editing goal for my November 2015 novel. I know I'm a lot stronger than I was one year ago. I also know that life might interfere with my writing again. In fact, it probably will. But I'm accepting that, knowing that I'll get something out of it. I didn't fail last year. I didn't meet my goal, but I didn't fail. I let myself do what was best for me.
      So as you go into any of your writing goals, keep that in mind. Writing is wonderful and takes you to amazing places, but your health is more important. Let yourself fail if you need to. There will always be more time to write. But you are so important and you need to take care of yourself first. If writing helps you work through stress or problems of any sort, go for it. But if it's only going to make you feel worse, then for heaven's sake, stop worrying about it and go do something that will help you feel better now. That novel will get written eventually, but not if you're not there to write it.

Writing Characters with Anxiety

 

    As far as we've come in terms of mental health awareness, we are still hugely lacking in some things, including representing characters with mental illness in fiction. Even when we do see characters with mental illness, they're often in stories about having mental illness. We need more characters who have mental illnesses that affect their stories, but aren't the plot of the story. For this reason, I'm going to write a series of blog posts covering mental illness. Since most of my experience is with anxiety, I've decided to start there.
     The first important thing to remember with anxiety is that the symptoms vary. Some people have more severe anxiety than others, and even the same level of anxiety will manifest differently in different people-- or even from situation to situation. Common symptoms include stomachaches, lightheadedness, muscle tension, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, trouble sleeping, and numbness and/or tingling in the extremities.
    These happen because when someone is feeling anxious, their body begins to gear up to protect itself. You've probably heard of the fight-or-flight reaction. Sometimes I think of my anxiety as fight-or-flight gone crazy. When a person has anxiety, their brain will register ordinary things as threats. People have different triggers for anxiety. I feel anxious when plans change suddenly, or when I have to interact with people unexpectedly. Sometimes even anticipating triggers can trigger anxiety. People have all sorts of different triggers. Traveling, conflict (or perceived conflict) in personal relationships, and driving can be triggers. Even little things like standing up in class to sharpen a pencil, or being the first one to stand up to throw away extra food, can trigger anxiety. Sometimes we feel anxious without even knowing why.
      Most of the time, we are completely aware of how irrational our fear is. We're fully aware that to someone without anxiety, our triggers would seem completely normal or even enjoyable. If your character has anxiety, he/she will have developed ways to cope. Sometimes stress balls help. Some people use mindfulness exercises, like keeping a coin or other small trinket to examine and focus on the present. One person I asked said that mint gum helps. I pretend to play the piano on my lap. Breathing exercises can help, too.
      Not everyone with anxiety will have panic attacks, but they do happen. They'll feel different for everyone, but they're never pleasant. Sometimes it'll be hyperventilating. Sometimes it will be sudden anger or irritability. Sometimes it'll be nit-pickiness and hypersensitivity to disorder or a chaotic environment. Sometimes someone will start talking very fast, stuttering and stumbling over words, or not talking at all. I cry. A lot.
     The other things about panic attacks is that sometimes, someone will feel anxious for a long time before. But sometimes, they strike without any warning. Once, I was waiting outside for my mom after a performance. It was night, and there were fireworks, but I felt completely fine. And then, suddenly, I panicked. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think. I felt like I was going to die. I was crying and whimpering and felt absolutely pathetic, but any rational thought was sidelined by the panic.
     Attacks range in frequency and severity from person to person. Some people have panic attacks on a daily or weekly basis, and others can go years without having one. And some panic attacks will be easier than others. I once had a panic attack that lasted just a few minutes, just hyperventilating. It wasn't fun, but it was comparatively tame. Even in the same person, it will vary. 
      There are a lot of ways to deal with anxiety. Some people find coping mechanisms that work for them, but sometimes, more help is needed. Some people respond to therapy, others to medication. Some people use a combination. The important thing to remember about medication and therapy is that there is nothing wrong with it. When writing about medication and therapy, the most important thing to remember is to do your research. Therapy varies from doctor to doctor, and medication can have different side effects.
       Really, that's the most important thing with writing about mental illness. Make sure you know what you're talking about. I'd rather read a book that has no characters with anxiety than one that gets it all wrong. I hope that with the information here, and the other resources you can find, you can better write and understand your characters with anxiety.
      What points would you like to add? What other mental disorders would you like me to cover? Let me know in the comments!

On Mental Illness

     When I was creating this blog, I put the "life" bit in the title to leave it open for me to talk about things that aren't writing related, but still important.

     So today I'm writing about mental illness. I've had depression and anxiety for years. And for ages, I didn't tell anyone about it, because I was scared of what they might think. I'm not sure when I started talking about it, but I'm glad I did. Not only because it's a relief to be able to tell my friend that I need to take a minute by myself to breathe, but also because I want others to be able to talk about it. I want to fight the stigma surrounding it. I want to make it so that others can speak out, without fear of being judged. And I also want to give those of you who struggle with mental illness a pep talk. 

        Mental illness is hard. It sucks. But you know what? I think we're some of the strongest people alive. Because we're fighting a war in our head every single day. And not only are we winning, but we're also going about normal life, to the best of our ability. Sometimes victory is having a great day, but sometimes it's making it through without having a panic attack. Sometimes it's getting your homework done, or talking to people. Sometimes it's being able to get out of bed. We know that this thing will always be in our heads. We know that people won't understand that we can't do this because of our mental illness, because there's this stigma. But we still manage to function. We still live. Sometimes just staying alive is a victory.

    So, I want to tell you this. You aren't alone. You are so brave. So far you have a 100% survival rate. That's pretty darn good. You will have bad days. But you've had bad days before this, and you've made it through those. You can make it through this one, too.

    One more thing-- please, please, don't hurt yourself. You don't deserve that. There are people who care. Even if you can't see that right now, people care. Even if I've never met you, I care. It breaks my heart to think of you, not knowing that. Having people who care about me has been my greatest blessing through this. Please, talk to someone. Your parents. A church leader. A school counselor. A professional therapist. These people can help you. It might be hard for a while, but one day, you will be glad you lived. I promise.

      Love,

          Katelyn